I walk for my mother, Bobbie Mills who lost her battle to this horrid disease a year ago - May 6, 2023.
Mom started showing symptoms of memory impairment back in mid-2016. It was subtle at first, but enough for me to raise an eyebrow. As time went on, she became more forgetful and agitated, and her reasoning power started to wane. I had recommended going to see a neurologist several times over the next couple of years, but her response was always the same, this is just what happens when you get old. In late 2018, in her own time, mom approached me saying, I’m starting to see it more and more in myself and think it’s time to go see that doctor you were talking about. In January 2019, after blood work, an MRI brain and memory testing it was confirmed; mom was diagnosed with mixed Alzheimer's, vascular and frontotemporal dementias.
I’ll never forget mom’s neuropsychologist calling me into his office to show me the white matter lesions on her brain saying, she’s gonna be a mean one. My heart sunk as he explained that Alzheimer’s is not a cookie cutter disease; everyone is different, some progress faster than others. He also offered his immediate recommendations: do not let her drive, lower the limits on her credit cards to the absolute minimum, put cameras in her home to keep a close eye on her, move her into a graduating retirement community as quickly as possible if you’re financially able and contact the Alzheimer’s Association; they are a wealth of information, educate yourself. I did all the above. Mom used to say, if you're not gonna do what the doctors tell ya to do then ya might as well not go to the doctor at all.
Our journey over the next five years took us down some beautiful, ugly, and frightening roads. Post diagnosis, I remember mom asking me, what’s gonna happen to me? She had always been a give it to me straight kinda gal so my honest reply was, there may come a time when you no longer know who I am, but I will always know who you are, my momma.
In May 2019 I moved mom into independent living; in a stand-alone cottage, detached from the main building. COVID-19 did not do us any favors. Life got so crazy for both of us. Mom's agitation and frustration got worse. She started drinking more and became verbally and physically abusive to both her dog and me. As mom's caregiver I quickly learned that this disease was much bigger than me and I needed to get my own mental health in check. I reached out to the Alzheimer's Association and with their help started going to a caregiver's support group. Thank God for the Alzheimer's Association!!
In November 2021, mom started wandering out of her cottage to hail down cars asking strangers if they could take her home. She was looking for her husband who had passed away in 2008. After getting management involved and a SLUMS evaluation, it was clearly evident that mom had become a danger to herself. Their recommendation was to move her into memory care for her safety bypassing assisted living altogether.
Mom walked with a cane due to a bad knee. While in memory care she weaponized her cane; started hitting people with it, residents and staff. I remember getting a phone call from one of the nurses at the facility summoning me immediately, your mom has gut punched a lady sitting in a wheelchair with her cane and has started a brawl with the other residents. I replaced mom's cane with a wheelchair and worked hand-in-hand with her doctor to find a cocktail of medications that would calm her down without making her so sleepy and/or lethargic that she couldn't function. It was important to me not to alter her quality of life with medications, but at the same time didn't want to get kicked out of the facility. Striking the right balance took some time, but we finally got there.
Countless times I used to notice mom intensely staring at me. She had absolutely no idea who I was. I would ask, are you okay? Some of her replies were: who are you, are you my momma, are we related, I know you're my daughter, but don't know your name, I don't know you but feel safe. It was heart wrenching and at times hard for me to hold back the tears, but always did my best to not let her see my cry.
Mom loved dogs! She used to have two Shih Tzus named Beau and Maddie. Damaris the Comfort Dog would occasionally visit, and it was a huge treat for mom, the other residents, staff and yes, even me. The smiles were contagious. Caregivers needed the love and hugs too. I used to light up like a kid in a candy store over sweet Damaris! I have a healthy respect for Therapy Dogs so in honor of my mother, my Shih Tzu, Makena Lei and I are now in training to be a Therapy Dog team. I can't wait to share all the love that's in my heart for these special people!
My very first Walk to End Alzheimer's was in 2019. Mom walked with me making it all the more special. I carried the yellow flower representing caregivers and she carried the blue flower representing someone who has Alzheimer's. I pushed her in a wheelchair and had custom shirts made for us. Mine said, I Walk For Mom, and hers said, I'm Mom I Have Alzheimer's. There was no walk in 2020 due to COVID-19, but I've walked every year since.
I'm so grateful mom was able to meet Makena Lei. The memories and photos of them together are now treasured gems. Makena Lei and I walked our very first Walk to End Alzheimer's together last year, 2023. It was bittersweet because mom had only been gone for a short four months and my emotions were still running high. We are looking forward to this year's walk and welcome any responsible dog owners and/or therapy teams to join us!
There are so many stories I could share. Suffice it to say, Alzheimer's disease is not for the faint of heart. There is no rhyme or reason for the verbal or physical outbursts. None of these episodes were mom's fault. Her behaviors were not her, but rather the horrid disease. Caregivers, diversion is your friend. It's imperative that you get into their reality with no condemnation. Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do.
Being mom's caregiver proved to be a hard, lonely, exhausting, and emotional rollercoaster. It was my honor to serve mom in this season of her life, giving her the best of me each and every day; visiting daily without fail up until she took her last breath.
Advocating and caring for my mother on her Alzheimer's journey was one of my greatest joys in life. I will proudly honor her by carrying the purple flower representing the loss of someone to Alzheimer's in the 2024 Walk to End Alzheimer's - Katy, TX on September 28, 2024. With your support, MomTeamBobbie can make a difference in the lives of millions worldwide.
By participating in the Alzheimer’s Association Walk to EndAlzheimer’s®, I’m raising funds and awareness to advance the fight against this disease; funds that allow the Alzheimer’s Association® to provide 24/7care and support while accelerating critical research. The Alzheimer's Association is a nonprofit 501(c)3 organization. All donations are tax-deductible as allowed by law.
#MomTeamBobbie #ENDALZ #Walk2EndAlz
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