My grandmother has lost her fight with Alzheimer's in November. We love you and will miss you. Your memories have been set free!!
I’m trying to find understanding to my feelings since the passing of my grandmother yesterday. For those going through the same battle that we have gone through, my heart goes out to you. This disease is vile, painful, hurtful, and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
When I was in my teenage years, I was found my grandmother irritating and I was quick to snap at her when she repeated things multiple times. I was ignorant to the journey that was slowly unfolding before her. After growing older, you wish you could take it back but you know that it wouldn’t make the situation change. That’s why it’s so hard to think of the “good times” I had with her. She had signs of Alzheimer’s during a large chunk of my life.
I compare this disease to a bandage applied to the skin of the hairiest area of the body and slowly being painfully ripped away.
When she didn’t know who I was, it hurt.
When we transferred her to convenient care, it hurt.
When she stopped walking, it hurt.
When she stopped talking, it hurt.
When she stopped eating, it hurt.
When we were told that she was dying, it f#cking hurt.
...and guess what? When she died and you thought you couldn’t hurt anymore, it hurt still.
I literally had to say goodbye to her in pieces.
In a five year span, not once was I told of an improvement of her condition. I was always told of things that she could no longer do. In the back of my mind, I always had hope. Hope that something would cure everything and things would go back to the way that they were. This is where the feelings come in. I think I’m mostly emotional because my hope didn’t come true.
This is not my naïve happy ending.
I do know that I’m going to channel all of my hurt into my fundraising for 2016 because no one should have to go through hurting like this. Alzheimer’s disease should not be a death sentence and I hope to be alive when they find a cure.
And just when you have finished the race, you awaken from your daydream to only find out you never started...
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