For Don & For All Those Who Feel Their Memories Slipping Away From Them... Your Family Is Here to Catch Them For You
I grew up with three older brothers in Garden City, N.Y. Tommy, Brian, Stephen, and I were lucky enough to be raised by parents who dedicated themselves to our happiness. They were our biggest cheerleaders. Looking back, I'm not sure how they managed to get four kids to each sports practice, game, after-school club, etc., but they did it because they instilled in us at a young age their unrelenting love and commitment to our happiness. As a kid, ever since I could pick up a lacrosse stick, I couldn’t put it down. I was fortunate in having three older brothers – three different options to get somebody outside to play with me. My dad shared in my love of lacrosse and coached my "GC Sweeties" team. After a long day of work in Manhattan, he would get off the train and walk home with a pep in his step, ready to take me to practice. He always encouraged me to succeed in lacrosse, spending countless nights in the dark passing the ball back and forth until Mom told us to come inside for dinner. When I was in the third grade, I signed up for a travel lacrosse team that would require us to go away to different states almost every weekend in the summer. It was a no brainer for my dad. He knew how much lacrosse meant to me and he wanted to see me shine in that. Every Friday night in the summer, he would come home from work and eat dinner, and we would head on the road for Maryland, New Jersey, etc. Now that I am a working adult, I know how tired he must have been after a long work week. To know my Dad is to know he would do anything for his kids to be happy. I hope to share in that commitment to my family when I have children of my own.
When I started my college search, I had always thought I wanted to become a nurse. My older brother, Brian, got a Traumatic Brain Injury when I was ten. It was a very difficult time for my family, seeing my brother in the state he was in. I’ll never forget the compassionate care and empathy a nurse gave him in the hospital. She took extra care and attention to my parents, bracing them for the long road ahead with a brain injury. My parents once again showed me a true example of unrelenting love for family in their dedication to my brother’s health. Seeing where Brian is today, working as a journalist, my dad would be overflowed with pride. Because of the trials and tribulations my family faced during this time, my dad was thrilled at the idea of me becoming a nurse. When I committed to the University of Scranton to play lacrosse and study nursing, I could feel my dad's pride radiate across the room. Looking back now, I can see how God had a plan for me to become a nurse so that one day I could use my skills to care for my dad the way he deserved to be cared for.
My eldest brother, Tom, was in a lot of ways very different than my dad. The two butted heads quite often while growing up. Tom is sensitive and softspoken, whereas my dad told it like it is. As my dad’s dementia took hold, I felt my brother grieve his inability to show my dad who he became as a man. On Christmas Eve 2021, in the midst of a snowstorm, Tom drove down to Florida to make a name for himself. He is now working in management at the Residence Inn in Palm Beach Gardens. Everything my dad strived Tom for, Tom had now found in himself. To know my dad, is to know the pride he would have for him. I am grateful for my older brother for putting the difficulties of their relationship to rest and valuing my dad as a man that was dedicated to his family.
In October of 2017, my older brother, Stephen, passed away suddenly at 26. My dad became a shell of himself. Stephen had followed in my dad's footsteps, studying accounting and working at the same firm, KPMG. Stephen always valued my dad's work ethic and respected his commitment to family. He appreciated my dad for who he is, a man who loved to talk accounting, watch the Rangers win, and cheer on his kids. Stephen was the life of the party, always bringing our family together as one. Looking back with a clearer lens, the day my brother passed is the day my dad checked out from us.
Since then, my dad’s decline has taken a newer form every few months. In 2022, after a hospitalization with COVID-19, we made the decision to place him in memory care at an assisted living facility. He is wheelchair-bound and needs help with eating, dressing, bathing, etc. He only speaks a handful of words now. I was recently working as a travel nurse in California, but my fiancé and I made the decision to come home to be with him. Time with him, even in his quiet state, is time I will cherish forever. I will always value the sacrifices my fiancé, Ryan, has made for me to allow for my care of my family. I am also very grateful to know, in the wake of my dad’s dementia, he was able to have a moment of clarity when Ryan asked for my hand in marriage. His blessing, with a few words of advice, was a special moment shared with his future-son-in-law.
Watching my mom care for my dad every single day has shed light on the dynamic twists and turns love endures. From the start of their marriage, to having four children, to growing old together, my parents’ love endures. In sickness and in health. I cherish the little moments watching them together, knowing that even though this illness is the last thing my parents wanted, my mom makes the most of her time with my dad. She always says, “When I said to him on November 3, 1985, ‘In sickness and in health,’ I meant it.” I am getting married next year, so her words resonate with me as the loving wife I plan to be. My parents’ love is my ultimate example of unwavering love. Although my dad’s memories of his life with my mom and our family are fragmented, their love transcends to handholds and I love you's.
Although in a lot of ways, I could write for days about my struggles with my dad’s dementia, I have come to understand the toll it has taken on each member of my family. That being said, if you have taken the time to read this and know me for who I am, please accept this token of advice… Cherish the little moments, the memories of joy, laughter, togetherness. Your memories are all you have. And when they slip away, it is your loved ones that hold onto them for you.
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